Really looking forward to spoiling Dad tomorrow…
He’s had a rough year to say the least, so I know he’ll absolutely love the things mom and I got him. I don’t really think I’ll be getting anything for Christmas this year, but I have my Dad and that’s all I need. It would have been a much sadder Christmas without him.
Why I’m not in the Holiday mood this year.
Firstly, I don’t usually use tumblr as a diary of sorts, so if you’re like “what the hell is this?” just keep on scrolling, but for those of you who may be interested, read on.
Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year. Growing up it was the most exciting, magical time of the year. Each year it became a different kind of magic, but something cherished nonetheless. This year is different. So may big life changes have happened this year. The biggest of these is my father’s accident.
The other day my father, mother, and I were sitting around the table and they were asking me what I want for Christmas, and since I know money is tight I said “I want either an SLR or an iPhone but I know I can’t get that so I don’t know” and it was quiet for a minute and my father chimed up, “I’d like a leg, or at least one working one”. And it just hit hard. I’d do anything in the world to give him that, but nothing I can do can ever bring that functionality back. And then again it was quiet, just me and him sitting at the kitchen table and he looked at each other and I could see the tiredness and sadness and frustration in his eyes. Apparently he tried to reach for something earlier and he just couldn’t reach it. He was a few inches short, but short nonetheless. That very simple act of reaching for something got him so upset I felt terrible. he’s an amazingly strong man, but even so, it’s so frustrating. I do everything I can to help him but getting him to a level of independence he’s ok with is a struggle. I just want to help him as much as possible and I can’t. Who am I to ask for material things when I have a father who just wants to move his leg again. I just can’t.
This is also the first Christmas season I’ve spent in recent years single. As sappy as it sounds, it’s kinda quiet. I miss looking for that Christmas present that will make her face light up with excitement and happiness and then cuddling up and watching a holiday movie. It’s a weird feeling, never before have I had so many friends from home and school that all want to know what I’m up to and how I’m doing and to meet up, yet even with so many awesome people around, I still miss having that one person that understands and cares above them all. Will I survive? Yes. Am I really all that bothered by it? No. But it’s still a change that’s sucks. But those whole relationship thoughts are an entirely different cup of tea that’s not really worth going into.
I guess my summary as this year is headed towards a close is, who would have thought that I would be here right now? Amazing the changes that can happen in a year.
I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.
It’s really hard to get work done.
I’m having that funny feeling again, that sinking feeling that something bad is about to happen. Something bad or upsetting or a life setback. That kind of nervousness drives me crazy.
I just want to go for a really long drive.
Preferably in a nice, comfy cozy car that will cruise on endlessly for miles and miles as scenes of farms and fields and houses and people and life roll on past. Music plays faintly as at the odometer ticks higher and higher, heading out with no direction in mind, no destination in mind, just seeing where the roads go, where life takes me.
(insert title here)
Honestly, I’ve had this text box open for at least 5 minutes and I can’t decide to write. There’s so many different thoughts, none of them overly complete, that I just end up deleting whatever I had written. So back to music it is…
It steals your social life and your soul. It better pay off in the long run.